To touch or not to touch. Now THAT is the question....

To touch or not to touch? Now THAT is the question!Shomer Negia.What are some of the first words that pop to your mind when you think of this phrase?Mitzvah? Holy? Challenging? Special?Awkward? Mind-messing? Confusing? Impractical?
When I think of the issur against touching the opposite sex, I'm automatically filled with confusion. I want to be a good Jew. I value halacha for the sake of following G-d's commandments as well as for the sake of maintaining a strong connection to my Jewish community.
I understand that a law is a law. No matter what my personal feelings are on the matter, as unmarried women who haven't gone to the mikvah, we are prohibited from touching the guys we like. This means no random hookups, no cuddling with your boyfriend in front of the TV, nothing.I also kind of understand some of the many spiritual reasons people attribute to the issur against negia. By "kind of", I mean that I can see where they are coming from, but maybe I don't agree with their logic.
Here's some of what I've heard:"On your wedding night you don't want to be comparing your husband to the other guys you kissed.""Just imagine how much more special it will be if it's an experience that you have only shared with one person!""Touch is a dangerous thing, like playing with fire. It has the power to mess with your mind!"
Okay fine. Maybe your husband won't be as good of a kisser, but that can be worked on.Fine. Maybe it is really special to share a certain set of experiences with just one person, but I think it's special either way.And fine. Maybe touching a guy can sometimes mess with a girls mind and her perception of what is going on between them. But let me tell you, not touching a guy messes with her mind just as much.
Not touching guys messes with my mind and with what could otherwise be really normal relationships. I'll admit it: like most frum girls I am definitely sexually frustrated. What else can be expected? Just because we are frum it doesn't mean we don't have hormones. I really believe that this practice of not touching is simply not healthy. People not touching each other while dating makes me nervous. I think sometimes couples rush themselves into more serious relationships and marriage faster than, perhaps, they should. There definitely is immense value to getting to know someone without the immediate distraction of touch. Going straight into touching can make a girl really confused: do you like them because they are fun to fool around with or do you like them because their personality meshes well with yours? This is definitely a positive value of keeping negia. So I say, keep it until you know you like him for him. And until you know he likes you for you. If he just wanted play, I doubt he would stick around that long waiting.
Also, things were different back in the day. Society was different. Priorities were different. Today, we live in a world that is hyper-focused on relationships. It's hard to flip through a magazine or walk down the street without seeing several provocative advertisements. Touching is normal. Sleeping together is normal. However, as Jews we are not meant to be the norm. We are meant to be special, an Or LaGoyim. I strongly believe in this concept as one that is meant to guide us in our everyday choices. So, if the rest of America is all sleeping together and having one night stands, why is it such a big deal for us to cuddle? Or even hook up? While I consider myself an Orthodox Jew, ideologically I have a lot of trouble with the fact that some things never change, or at least become optional (even though I realize that it isn't so practical for that to happen). I don't think the Rabbis who instituted all of our rules could possibly fathrom what was in future for the world and the Jewish nation.
So straight up:I want to touch boys. I am not really so opposed to it, but I value being part of my community. Part of being in the community that I like is not touching. Therefore, I am officially "shomer negia". But as we all know, every "official" title can also come with its own "unofficial" title....I'm not into touching the guys I'm just friends with. But I think that touch is a big part of developing a relationship. Any relationship. I'm not saying people need to test out sex to make sure they are compatible. People shake hands. Girls are always hugging each other. Guys slap each other on the back. Touch is important. It's human nature. But I also try hard to be a law abiding Jew. This is a tough one......oh well.
Peace out,AG

Spread the word

Hey everybody,
Now that we have several posts up (and more coming!!), it's time to spread the word.
So tell your friends about the blog. If anyone is interested in writing for it here and there, send them my way (picky interview process, gotta have some rants in you!). Or they could just send in a sample post, and if we like it, we'll use it.
Send everyone to me, PPR, and not to the other writers because they won't answer. I'm more of a coordinator than a writer, so this is where i get my kicks:) Pretty clutch, eh? (That one was a shout out to ShirleyTemple).
Best of luck,
PPR

Is Sketchy The New Clutch?

Thank you "Mean Girls" for spreading the word "clutch" to millions of teenagers across the country. And thank you " Year in Israel" for spreading the word " sketchy"to thousands of Sem girls and Yeshiva guys spending their meaningful year in Israel. Some call it "shady"- I call it " super interesting but not 100% glatt kosher ( or not mehadrin min hamehadrin) ".



Why is it that suddenly among the list of questions a girl asks about a guy that she might potentially be set up with, she asks if the guys is considered "sketchy", after she asks if he wants to make aliyah, but before she asks how many times a day he learns?



Chicas! Wake up! What does sketchy even mean? Who cares if Yakov Chaim or Miriam Raizel thinks he is sketchy! They think wearing flip flops without tights is sketchy. And if Steph considers Moshe sketchy ( well lets be honest most of the Moshes we have met are questionable in character) is it because he actually had the guts to ask out a girl in person? Gasp!



Here ladies, is where my dilemma stems from. Why is that when a nice frum Modern Orthodox guy asks out a girl in a library, bar, lechaim.. do we consider him to be sketchy? Would you say confidence is sketchy? How about determination or passion? Instead of shaking your head and whispering to your friends about this gutsy guy, appreciate the courage it took for him to ask for your number. Be impressed by his candor and ability to go for what he wants. Would you rather him ask your roommate's best friend's fiance's neighbor's facebook friend who went to his brother's yeshiva what your deal is? Or would you rather him approach you straight up, skip all the detours, avoid 3 weeks of indirect research and do the product investigation himself? In the secular world ladies, men see what they like and they go for it. They aren't called "sketchy", they aren't called "brave", they are called GUYS. We are so used to guys taking the highway and stopping at every toll without EZPASS nor exact change and so we assume that guys who just cross the street and meet us are tainted and miscreants.



So do me a favor, next time a guy approaches YOU, and not your friend sitting right next to you, give him props. Better yet, its a turn on- not turn off.



All I am saying is that you've got a light. Know when it should be switched off and when it should be switched on.

Safe TEXT: How to Protect yourself. Knowing When to Obstain, Knowing When to Jump right in...

The Art of Texting

When do you text the one you want? The one your interested in? How do you read into texts? Should you?

Coming Soon.

Stages of THE GAME

I love the game almost more than I love red stilettos. I start it- in control, or at least convinced I am. Suddenly, I find that all my pieces have been captured and I am left vulnerable and broken. What happened? Hormones happened smokin' ladies.

Stage 1 :

I pick the guy- like coaches pick their athletes, ones who are at the top of their the game. The more attractive, intellectual, and funny the guy, the harder the challenge.The harder the challenge the more satisfying the game. Ow Ow.

Stage 2:

Manipulate the guy into initiating conversation or continual correspondence. That's right I used the word manipulate. After all, we are playing a game. We must make him feel like he is in control, and that he could have you if he tried hard enough. But he has to try hard, very hard.

Stages 3 and on will come soon. For now lets focus on 1 & 2.

Stage 1 -I am Wonder Woman, going beyond looks and intellect, and instead honing in on a guy that is looking for someone that is a polar opposite to myself. Why? Because if I can hook a guy that is from the start, specifically not interested in what I have to offer, than lets be real- I am Wonder Woman. He will be wondering what the hec he was thinking before. Until the only thing he wonders is how he can win me over. And then I realize later on....he already has. Shoot.

Stage 2: I have heard a lot of different opinions regarding methods in beginning conversations. Some include- inviting them to hang out at a place that bunch of your other friends are going to, inviting him to an event on facebook, trying to set him up with a friend, tell him about a job opportunity, ask him if he knows of any apartments for rent..etc I think all these are good ideas but not fool proof. Each starter conversation is individualized on the guy's personality, interest, and observance level. One general tip is that the first conversation should never been super long. You want to give him a little taste - but it has to be packed with spice, wit, and humor. Also major mistake many chicas make is responding too quickly. When he responds, do not write back immediately. Make him a wait a minute or two. He is not the only guy are you talking to at the moment. Make him work for it. You are not going to give him a 5 course meal right away. He has to deserve it. Appetizer- ladies, appetizers. And the next meal- make is sure its a tad overpriced. ; ) Because if you give him the best in the beginning what are you saving for the end? And if all goes right- he WILL initiate the next conversation. Do not let him end the first conversation. If you start the conversation, minus one point, and then he ends it, minus another point- Girl you are down 2 points! Not okay!

DISCLAIMER- Ladies, since you have chosen hottie McSmart you must be prepared for retaliation. He will realize you are playing the game, and will respond with wittier and flirtier actions. DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP. Basically, choosing a 5 star guy welcomes 5 star challenges. The question is: are YOU up for the challenge?

Things Guys Shouldn't Ever Do...Ever

1. Flake out on plans 2x. One time, Shame on you, Two times -- shame on me. That means we don't appreciate Flakey boys.

2. Not pay for anything, and when a girl offers to pay not even pretend to put up a fight. If your hanging out she deserves ALL your time and money. If she persists, then so be it.

But also don't shower them with to many things they will get used to it, like it, want it -- and confuse it with love. Money and free things is not love -- conversation and life and a connection is what a girl really wants.

3. Date without having some idea of who they are and where they want to go... either in Life ora about where to go to dinner.

   ex of wrong: Peter: "Where would you like to go to dinner?"

         Belle: " I don't know, I feel like something Dairy."

         Peter: " Well I don't really care."

We like details. We like attention to specifics.

ex of right:

      Peter's answer: "I know some great Dairy restaurants. I looked some up before I came -- You like soups and salads right? I Have just the place."

4. Comment on skinny girls, fat girls, any girls. If you talk about them we KNOW you talk about us.

5. Even think of pretending they are something they are not. We know who you are, we asked your friends. 

     ex: Bill: "I learn everyday for 2 hours. I never missed once. I alway make sure to always be up for early minyan so I can take my time."

    truth about Bill: His roommates don't attend their Jewish Classes, which means they don't get up in the morning, which means they put tefillin on at minchah if they remember. Also, you might learn and it might be 2 hours but be realistic -- don't scare us off.

Another point seen in this example. We know who your friends are, we know where you hang out and what you do. Your friends whether you like it or not, equate you. So even if you are way different than your friends...in reality, you are who you hang out with.

To be continued..

xoxo

 b.boop

He's Just Not That Into You....Really.

After watching "He's Just Not That Into You", I can't think of any movie that more accurately portrays women as I know them. Except for the fact that, in the movie, they all live in the real world where everyone sleeps with each other, I felt as if I was watching my friends (and myself) on reality TV.

The movie discusses the fact that we, as females, have a huge lie pounded into our heads from the time we are little girls on the playground.
When a guy teases you/is mean to you/ignores you/everything else he does to try to push you away, really it is all because he likes you. That's how he shows it.

I never officially subscribed to this belief. Even so, I am guilty on many counts.
I over-analyze. I cyber-stalk. Like most girls I know, I see what i want to see.

But really...What the heck?!
We only do these things because we wonder. We aren't sure what's going on in a guy's head. We have to try to find our way through the puzzle of all the games and try to figure out what he really means and wants. It would be a lot easier if he would just spell it out from the beginning.

Here are some examples:
Tom: "I think you're very attractive and personable. I see potential. Let's talk about this more over a cup of coffee."
Bradley: "I know we are just friends, but I want you to know that I think I might have feelings for you. Now that I got that off my chest, want to go bowling?"
See! It's not that hard!

Or even...
James: "It was nice to meet you. I had a great time but I am not interested. I won't be calling."
You might be thinking "ouch", but maybe it hurts less than what you go through after trying to identify a guy's signs, finally identifying them as positive, and then being majorly let down.

This movie really makes me think...a little bit too much. I don't want to be that psycho-chick who freaks guys out and scares them away. I also don't want to be the girl who wastes so much energy over-analyzing every single word that a guy says, whether it be via text, phone, or actual in person interaction. But, at the same time, if I don't take hold of some "signals" (whether I'm reading them right or not!) then I will end up giving every guy the cold shoulder out of fear of misreading and chasing him away. I guess it's all about balance. And I know that I suck at balance.

One last thing: In the movie, Alex says that if a guy wants a girl, he'll make it happen.
While this might be true in the "real world", I just don't have that much faith in Jewish guys. From my experience, they are way wimpier than that.