To touch or not to touch. Now THAT is the question....

To touch or not to touch? Now THAT is the question!Shomer Negia.What are some of the first words that pop to your mind when you think of this phrase?Mitzvah? Holy? Challenging? Special?Awkward? Mind-messing? Confusing? Impractical?
When I think of the issur against touching the opposite sex, I'm automatically filled with confusion. I want to be a good Jew. I value halacha for the sake of following G-d's commandments as well as for the sake of maintaining a strong connection to my Jewish community.
I understand that a law is a law. No matter what my personal feelings are on the matter, as unmarried women who haven't gone to the mikvah, we are prohibited from touching the guys we like. This means no random hookups, no cuddling with your boyfriend in front of the TV, nothing.I also kind of understand some of the many spiritual reasons people attribute to the issur against negia. By "kind of", I mean that I can see where they are coming from, but maybe I don't agree with their logic.
Here's some of what I've heard:"On your wedding night you don't want to be comparing your husband to the other guys you kissed.""Just imagine how much more special it will be if it's an experience that you have only shared with one person!""Touch is a dangerous thing, like playing with fire. It has the power to mess with your mind!"
Okay fine. Maybe your husband won't be as good of a kisser, but that can be worked on.Fine. Maybe it is really special to share a certain set of experiences with just one person, but I think it's special either way.And fine. Maybe touching a guy can sometimes mess with a girls mind and her perception of what is going on between them. But let me tell you, not touching a guy messes with her mind just as much.
Not touching guys messes with my mind and with what could otherwise be really normal relationships. I'll admit it: like most frum girls I am definitely sexually frustrated. What else can be expected? Just because we are frum it doesn't mean we don't have hormones. I really believe that this practice of not touching is simply not healthy. People not touching each other while dating makes me nervous. I think sometimes couples rush themselves into more serious relationships and marriage faster than, perhaps, they should. There definitely is immense value to getting to know someone without the immediate distraction of touch. Going straight into touching can make a girl really confused: do you like them because they are fun to fool around with or do you like them because their personality meshes well with yours? This is definitely a positive value of keeping negia. So I say, keep it until you know you like him for him. And until you know he likes you for you. If he just wanted play, I doubt he would stick around that long waiting.
Also, things were different back in the day. Society was different. Priorities were different. Today, we live in a world that is hyper-focused on relationships. It's hard to flip through a magazine or walk down the street without seeing several provocative advertisements. Touching is normal. Sleeping together is normal. However, as Jews we are not meant to be the norm. We are meant to be special, an Or LaGoyim. I strongly believe in this concept as one that is meant to guide us in our everyday choices. So, if the rest of America is all sleeping together and having one night stands, why is it such a big deal for us to cuddle? Or even hook up? While I consider myself an Orthodox Jew, ideologically I have a lot of trouble with the fact that some things never change, or at least become optional (even though I realize that it isn't so practical for that to happen). I don't think the Rabbis who instituted all of our rules could possibly fathrom what was in future for the world and the Jewish nation.
So straight up:I want to touch boys. I am not really so opposed to it, but I value being part of my community. Part of being in the community that I like is not touching. Therefore, I am officially "shomer negia". But as we all know, every "official" title can also come with its own "unofficial" title....I'm not into touching the guys I'm just friends with. But I think that touch is a big part of developing a relationship. Any relationship. I'm not saying people need to test out sex to make sure they are compatible. People shake hands. Girls are always hugging each other. Guys slap each other on the back. Touch is important. It's human nature. But I also try hard to be a law abiding Jew. This is a tough one......oh well.
Peace out,AG